lance briggs is gon' cut you

...or slice his own hand open while shaving (apparently.) you know whenever stories like this come out, like the guy who hurt himself getting his baby out of its crib, or the multitude of other suspect off-season athlete injury reports, it's hard to 100% believe them. but i love lance briggs so i'll let it pass. he's like the more productive, lesser-known little brother to mr. face-of-the-franchise aka brian urlacher.

i mean, these guys are paid millions because of their freakish athletic ability combined with their superhuman size and strength. do you really completely trust him when this is the same man who crashed a $350,000 car on the expressway and abandoned the scene? didn't think so.

on a side note, maybe he learned how to shave from derrick rose? something to ponder.

one time i found a $20 bill on the ground

matthew stafford has apparently reached an agreement to terms of a contract with the new-look lions guaranteeing him $41.7 million. let me just get this one out for all of us.

WTF

dude has never played a snap in the nfl, probably hasn't even met his future teammates, probably not even the best quarterback in the draft, and he is set for life. off of one contract. 6 years. that's it, that's all he has to work for his entire life. you know, i don't complain when people like matt ryan get paid, because that guy goes out and busts his ass and makes that money. something about stafford just screams bust to me, i can't pinpoint it. he's got the physical tools and such, and i mean yeah he won bowl games, which is supposed to show me he can play under pressure. because everyone knows there's a shitload of pressure carrying your team to a victory in the capital one bowl. i'm sure poor matthew was just sweating that one out for weeks.

anyway, goodell has been talking about rookie salary caps recently, and i wholeheartedly agree it's a great idea. at this pace, in the 2020 nfl draft, the top pick will have a guaranteed $100 million. which suddenly doesn't seem so ridiculous. once again, WTF.

by the way, lions logo-creation staff, adding a few whisps of white lines on adobe illustrator does not a new logo make. it's the same damn lion, you just gave it fangs. and you're a team based in cold, overcast detroit and you wear freaking honolulu blue jerseys. i'm telling you, NO team can be intimidated by an opponent that comes out the tunnel looking like a fresh pack of skittles. i bet that's why roy williams got out. he just felt too delicious and sweet in that cute jersey!

greg paulus wants to play football (lol)

a reported 6 teams have contacted greg paulus to inquire about his intentions for an athletic career. let me make sure you're completely clear that these are nfl teams, not just, you know, afl teams, or canadian teams. this kid hasn't played organized football since high school, where he set state passing records in new york state.

let me remind you that this is the same greg paulus who lost his starting point guard position his senior year at duke. the same duke team who has missed the sweet 16 the past 4 out of 5 years. obviously we're dealing with a transcendent athlete here, right?

dude's 6'1", about as tall as pat white (who is insanely talented and gifted), hasn't played a snap of football in half a decade, and somehow gets a look form the packers and the university of michigan. i think it's a really, really dumb move. the guy was a good player in high school, and has proven himself in absolutely no way to be a legitimate football talent, let alone basketball.

so, packers, although i utterly loathe you, let me give you some friendly advice: lay off the paulus. you don't need to dig through the doo-doo to find a diamond, you can get some of those in the draft if you need a backup qb so badly. besides, what about the dude from louisville you guys drafted? brian brohm not good enough for you? that guy seemingly had more raw talent than paulus does, that's for sure. at least he, oh, i dunno, PLAYED COLLEGE FOOTBALL.

then again, people like antonio gates/future hall of famer/badass make my point completely moot. however, that is a one in a thousand chance something like that pans out. there are better places to find a quarterback, but more on that once the draft comes and goes.

what a happy way to start the day

i don't know anymore. you spend your entire life busting your ass to fulfill your dreams, then some jackass just can't wait to get through the light and ends a life. angels pitcher nick adenhart was killed only a few hours after pitching in a loss to oakland last night. that demolished mitsubishi up there would be the car he was extracted from.

the guy was only 22. i'm 20. kind of helps put it in perspective for me. this kid had spent most of last year in AAA ball, and thanks to injuries to three of the angels' starting five, he finally got his shot. and didn't do badly. probably would have stayed with the team if he kept it up, but it's over because of some asshole.

this just goes to prove my theory that men who drive minivans are known killers. it's scientific, trust me, i researched it.

(photo courtesy of LA times)

r.i.p. psycho t

the guy got a lot of flack over the past four years of his basketball career, and most of it was jealousy, some of it because he seemingly got any call he ever wanted. one thing can't be denied: hansbrough was, and is, one of the elite college ballplayers.

doesn't mean i can't thoroughly dislike him though. anyway, a lot of his detractors can take comfort in the fact that he'll never be an NBA star, just a sixth man who gets his 10 points and 16 minutes and calls it a day. then you sit back and realize about 100% of the naysayers would gnaw off their own limbs to even have a chance of playing in the NBA for a living. how's that for some perspective? a paradigm, yes, but my point is made.

what a boring championship game. what a boring tournament. where the hell is stephon curry when you need him? i think the media made the whole "msu revitalizing detroit" thing a little overblown. a basketball team can't save your poor economy. they can lose by an embarrassing amount in their home state, though, and really, what more can you ask for? go spartans! yay!

welcome to chicago mr. cutler/2009 mlb division picks

you know, i could go on and on for hours about how i could not disagree more with mark schlereth and trent dilfer about how jay cutler is going to fare in chicago and who did the best in the broncos/bears trade, but i'll sum it up as succinctly as i can. the bears are the winners in this trade. draft picks often don't pan out (as jerry angelo can tell you), and 25-year old pro bowl quarterbacks don't grow on trees (because that would be gross.) the amount of money the bears will save by not shelling it out to two first rounders the next couple of years is more than worth it to at least give cutler the rest of his three year deal as a try out in chicago. but honestly, i feel more than anything that he, and the bears, will be just fine.

now, on to baseball. here are my pre-season picks for division and wild card winners, as well as world series picks.

AL WEST: Angels
AL CENTRAL: White Sox
AL EAST: Yankees
AL WILD CARD: Athletics

NL WEST: Dodgers
NL CENTRAL: Cubs
NL EAST: Mets
NL WILD CARD: Reds

WORLD SERIES: Yankees OVER Mets

i know, i know, they look almost identical to everyone else's, and i look like an idiot picking the reds to win games, let alone a wild card spot, but i'm comfortable with my picks. we'll check back with how comfortable i am with them once i get screwed over by the yankees' lack of reliable relief pitching and the mets' uncanny ability to spontaneously combust at the sound of "october."

(photo courtesy of deadspin/drunk athlete)

remember when this was exciting?

whoopee. final four. yay. anyway, everyone else is doing it, and since i have no identity and conform to everyone else's ideas of normalcy, i feel pressured to do so as well. gimme unc over uconn in the title game, as much as it pains me to say so. everyone doubted uconn this year in the tournament, and honestly, i've been on their side since the tourney started. i always kind of liked jim calhoun. i don't know why, he seems like a smarmy old guy, but hey, sometimes i'm a fan of that kind of person.

thabeet is a beast, don't get me wrong. but the second i saw that happen (see image attached to article), every single conception i had about the man as an NBA talent literally crashed onto the floor with him. i look at that picture and i see dejuan blair, future pro, and hasheem thabeet, 7'3" center, flying through the air like he was a piece of popcorn blair didn't particularly like the taste of.

on the other hand, i do like that the tournament provides us all with a good opportunity to heap praise on tyler hansbrough. the sports media does not do this enough. what a leader! what a fighter! what a oh shut the hell up. i know i'm jealous but it doesn't mean i have to admit it. plus he plays for carolina, which isn't necessarily something you want to admit to me if you want to get on my good side. someone teach the kid how to blink.

the final four this year has very, very little drama. minus nova, i see absolutely nothing surprising about any of these teams. honestly, i may not even watch the title game if i have something better to do, and that is really saying something. especially if i have to watch tarheel nation pat each other on the backs for supporting a team associated with a school 20% of them didn't even attend. but i digress.