barter it

lance briggs is gon' cut you

2009-04-28T14:07:00.009-05:00

...or slice his own hand open while shaving (apparently.) you know whenever stories like this come out, like the guy who hurt himself getting his baby out of its crib, or the multitude of other suspect off-season athlete injury reports, it's hard to 100% believe them. but i love lance briggs so i'll let it pass. he's like the more productive, lesser-known little brother to mr. face-of-the-franchise aka brian urlacher.

i mean, these guys are paid millions because of their freakish athletic ability combined with their superhuman size and strength. do you really completely trust him when this is the same man who crashed a $350,000 car on the expressway and abandoned the scene? didn't think so.

on a side note, maybe he learned how to shave from derrick rose? something to ponder.

one time i found a $20 bill on the ground

2009-04-25T08:32:00.004-05:00

matthew stafford has apparently reached an agreement to terms of a contract with the new-look lions guaranteeing him $41.7 million. let me just get this one out for all of us.

WTF

dude has never played a snap in the nfl, probably hasn't even met his future teammates, probably not even the best quarterback in the draft, and he is set for life. off of one contract. 6 years. that's it, that's all he has to work for his entire life. you know, i don't complain when people like matt ryan get paid, because that guy goes out and busts his ass and makes that money. something about stafford just screams bust to me, i can't pinpoint it. he's got the physical tools and such, and i mean yeah he won bowl games, which is supposed to show me he can play under pressure. because everyone knows there's a shitload of pressure carrying your team to a victory in the capital one bowl. i'm sure poor matthew was just sweating that one out for weeks.

anyway, goodell has been talking about rookie salary caps recently, and i wholeheartedly agree it's a great idea. at this pace, in the 2020 nfl draft, the top pick will have a guaranteed $100 million. which suddenly doesn't seem so ridiculous. once again, WTF.

by the way, lions logo-creation staff, adding a few whisps of white lines on adobe illustrator does not a new logo make. it's the same damn lion, you just gave it fangs. and you're a team based in cold, overcast detroit and you wear freaking honolulu blue jerseys. i'm telling you, NO team can be intimidated by an opponent that comes out the tunnel looking like a fresh pack of skittles. i bet that's why roy williams got out. he just felt too delicious and sweet in that cute jersey!

greg paulus wants to play football (lol)

2009-04-15T17:11:00.004-05:00

a reported 6 teams have contacted greg paulus to inquire about his intentions for an athletic career. let me make sure you're completely clear that these are nfl teams, not just, you know, afl teams, or canadian teams. this kid hasn't played organized football since high school, where he set state passing records in new york state.

let me remind you that this is the same greg paulus who lost his starting point guard position his senior year at duke. the same duke team who has missed the sweet 16 the past 4 out of 5 years. obviously we're dealing with a transcendent athlete here, right?

dude's 6'1", about as tall as pat white (who is insanely talented and gifted), hasn't played a snap of football in half a decade, and somehow gets a look form the packers and the university of michigan. i think it's a really, really dumb move. the guy was a good player in high school, and has proven himself in absolutely no way to be a legitimate football talent, let alone basketball.

so, packers, although i utterly loathe you, let me give you some friendly advice: lay off the paulus. you don't need to dig through the doo-doo to find a diamond, you can get some of those in the draft if you need a backup qb so badly. besides, what about the dude from louisville you guys drafted? brian brohm not good enough for you? that guy seemingly had more raw talent than paulus does, that's for sure. at least he, oh, i dunno, PLAYED COLLEGE FOOTBALL.

then again, people like antonio gates/future hall of famer/badass make my point completely moot. however, that is a one in a thousand chance something like that pans out. there are better places to find a quarterback, but more on that once the draft comes and goes.

what a happy way to start the day

2009-04-09T11:33:00.008-05:00

i don't know anymore. you spend your entire life busting your ass to fulfill your dreams, then some jackass just can't wait to get through the light and ends a life. angels pitcher nick adenhart was killed only a few hours after pitching in a loss to oakland last night. that demolished mitsubishi up there would be the car he was extracted from.

the guy was only 22. i'm 20. kind of helps put it in perspective for me. this kid had spent most of last year in AAA ball, and thanks to injuries to three of the angels' starting five, he finally got his shot. and didn't do badly. probably would have stayed with the team if he kept it up, but it's over because of some asshole.

this just goes to prove my theory that men who drive minivans are known killers. it's scientific, trust me, i researched it.

(photo courtesy of LA times)

r.i.p. psycho t

2009-04-07T23:07:00.005-05:00

the guy got a lot of flack over the past four years of his basketball career, and most of it was jealousy, some of it because he seemingly got any call he ever wanted. one thing can't be denied: hansbrough was, and is, one of the elite college ballplayers.

doesn't mean i can't thoroughly dislike him though. anyway, a lot of his detractors can take comfort in the fact that he'll never be an NBA star, just a sixth man who gets his 10 points and 16 minutes and calls it a day. then you sit back and realize about 100% of the naysayers would gnaw off their own limbs to even have a chance of playing in the NBA for a living. how's that for some perspective? a paradigm, yes, but my point is made.

what a boring championship game. what a boring tournament. where the hell is stephon curry when you need him? i think the media made the whole "msu revitalizing detroit" thing a little overblown. a basketball team can't save your poor economy. they can lose by an embarrassing amount in their home state, though, and really, what more can you ask for? go spartans! yay!

welcome to chicago mr. cutler/2009 mlb division picks

2009-04-05T22:15:00.007-05:00

you know, i could go on and on for hours about how i could not disagree more with mark schlereth and trent dilfer about how jay cutler is going to fare in chicago and who did the best in the broncos/bears trade, but i'll sum it up as succinctly as i can. the bears are the winners in this trade. draft picks often don't pan out (as jerry angelo can tell you), and 25-year old pro bowl quarterbacks don't grow on trees (because that would be gross.) the amount of money the bears will save by not shelling it out to two first rounders the next couple of years is more than worth it to at least give cutler the rest of his three year deal as a try out in chicago. but honestly, i feel more than anything that he, and the bears, will be just fine.

now, on to baseball. here are my pre-season picks for division and wild card winners, as well as world series picks.

AL WEST: Angels
AL CENTRAL: White Sox
AL EAST: Yankees
AL WILD CARD: Athletics

NL WEST: Dodgers
NL CENTRAL: Cubs
NL EAST: Mets
NL WILD CARD: Reds

WORLD SERIES: Yankees OVER Mets

i know, i know, they look almost identical to everyone else's, and i look like an idiot picking the reds to win games, let alone a wild card spot, but i'm comfortable with my picks. we'll check back with how comfortable i am with them once i get screwed over by the yankees' lack of reliable relief pitching and the mets' uncanny ability to spontaneously combust at the sound of "october."

(photo courtesy of deadspin/drunk athlete)

remember when this was exciting?

2009-04-02T11:51:00.004-05:00

whoopee. final four. yay. anyway, everyone else is doing it, and since i have no identity and conform to everyone else's ideas of normalcy, i feel pressured to do so as well. gimme unc over uconn in the title game, as much as it pains me to say so. everyone doubted uconn this year in the tournament, and honestly, i've been on their side since the tourney started. i always kind of liked jim calhoun. i don't know why, he seems like a smarmy old guy, but hey, sometimes i'm a fan of that kind of person.

thabeet is a beast, don't get me wrong. but the second i saw that happen (see image attached to article), every single conception i had about the man as an NBA talent literally crashed onto the floor with him. i look at that picture and i see dejuan blair, future pro, and hasheem thabeet, 7'3" center, flying through the air like he was a piece of popcorn blair didn't particularly like the taste of.

on the other hand, i do like that the tournament provides us all with a good opportunity to heap praise on tyler hansbrough. the sports media does not do this enough. what a leader! what a fighter! what a oh shut the hell up. i know i'm jealous but it doesn't mean i have to admit it. plus he plays for carolina, which isn't necessarily something you want to admit to me if you want to get on my good side. someone teach the kid how to blink.

the final four this year has very, very little drama. minus nova, i see absolutely nothing surprising about any of these teams. honestly, i may not even watch the title game if i have something better to do, and that is really saying something. especially if i have to watch tarheel nation pat each other on the backs for supporting a team associated with a school 20% of them didn't even attend. but i digress.

make the pain stop

2009-04-01T20:09:00.002-05:00

sometimes things defy description. sometimes you're confused by things that should be simple. sometimes your childhood idol strips down to his underpants and slides across the floor like tom freakshow cruise.

oh you greasy motherfucker

2009-04-01T11:38:00.007-05:00

the university of kentucky has their new head coach. and who couldn't be happy about it? dude's making 30+ million over the next eight years of his life, and now he can keep a bit of it held back for a candy bar or something because he doesn't even have to buy any new ties! tiger blue, wildcat blue, it's all the same at macy's. so what's the problem? who could possibly be upset about this? oh, maybe the 152 top recruits in the nation who signed their letter of intent or verbally committed to memphis last year. don't get me wrong, coach cal is just enough of an asshole for me to respect him, but not too much of one to the point where i fear he's getting into my atmosphere of assholishness. everyone's worried about the "baggage" he brings with him, namely the vacated final four appearance due to a recruit's receiving gifts. but i'm in the camp that thinks college athletes should be paid for what they do anyway, seeing as they make millions for the schools they work for. it's not like they're there for an education, so who really cares?

honestly though, this is a huge signing for UK, and as a warm weather supporter of the team, i couldn't be happier about the hire. give this guy three years, and he will have ashley judd about to piss her $300 pants on the sideline jumping up and down at the final four. there are good recruiters, there are great recruiters, there are amazing recruiters, and then there's john calipari. plus, his hair is always immaculate, and that speaks volumes to me. i think it was confucius who once said, "a man who cares about his hair as much as his coaching, indeed is friggin' awesome." that might be a little paraphrased, but work with me.

speaking of the final four, detroit may need this final four more than any city in this nation. i always trash the town, mostly because i bear scars from everything the pistons have done to my ego and fandom (p.s. pistons suck), but i can't help but just feel bad. i mean, how down can you get? name one team to root for in that city other than the red wings. the newspapers have been cut to three-day delivery instead of every day. the leader of the free world pretty much fired the head of one of the largest auto manufacturers in the nation. there's not much to being from the land of the hand these days, is there?

i may have just cried a little

2009-03-17T00:27:00.003-05:00

if you've yet to see the new dick's sporting goods spot featuring jimmy rollins of the world series champion philadelphia phillies, then have i got a treat for you. you've got to like an athlete that can laugh a little. plus, rollins has that BAMF-west-coast-guy attitude going for him. which i usually despise, but in this case i'll let it pass.

in other jimmy rollins news, jimmy rollins wants to kill you.

chicago's most wanted

2009-03-16T20:40:00.008-05:00

denver broncos quarterback jay cutler confirmed to espn today that he would like to be traded, to which new broncos head coach josh mcdaniels replied "boo hoo hoo, baby wanna tissue?"
seriously though, how did this thing get so out of hand? either cutler is a little girl or mcdaniels is a stubborn jackass. i'm going to leave that decision up to you.

actually, detroit, chicago and minnesota could be good fits. in fact, the vikings are yet again a very attractive prospect for an elite level nfl quarterback. everyone remembers their courting process with brett favre. they have a lot of great pieces in place, but still lack a real signal caller. tavaris jackson is michael vick with no arm. i'd like to see orton and jackson play catch together. it would be over in 2 minutes because they'd have to keep moving closer to pick up all their underthrown balls.

i get the knocks against cutler. he hasn't won anything. he's supposedly a whiner (which day by day is being confirmed by pretty much every sports fan in colorado.) he sometimes rubs teammates the wrong way. he played horribly at the close of this past season when the horrible afc west was theirs for the taking. blowing a multi-game lead in the division with so many games left in the season is not the kind of record we're looking to break here, kids.

but i can't help it; i like the guy's stats. but yet this makes my head want to blow up because you can NEVER RELY ON STATS. he puts up good numbers. pro bowl numbers, numbers that on another team could really do some good. but so far as a starter, he's gone 2-3, 7-9, and 8-8. still, when considering the quarterback position at about 9 or 10 nfl teams right now, i'd say anyone should take their chances. especially when your starting quarterback is tarvaris jackson.

so, to all chicagoans, write jerry a nice letter. ask him to get that dude from jacksonville that just got let out jail, go get torry holt, demote devin hester back to his rightful position (anything other than a #1 receiver), and do what you can to get this guy. he is a franchise quarterback on the market. for anyone that would like him. spend the freaking money and let's stop wallowing in 7-9 and 9-7 seasons. note to jerry angelo: sorry to burst your bubble, but kyle orton is not, i repeat, NOT, a franchise quarterback. this is your freaking chance to get what da bears have been missing since, well, since the last time they won anything of real importance.

jay cutler, if you're reading this, i know you grew up a bears fan. because smart people know purple is a stupid color anyway, and as far as detroit goes, no one wants to be anywhere near the term "rebuilding process" or the crumbling infrastructure of an entire city.

well that was awkward

2009-03-12T10:46:00.006-05:00

did any of you see todd mcshay and mel kiper flip out a couple of weeks ago when they were brought onto espn to talk about the upcoming nfl draft? no? well, if you dislike mel kiper's snyde demeanor as much as i do, then here you go. a gift from me to you.

but on a serious note (kidding) let's talk about matthew stafford, the supposed future no. 1 draft pick. i have nothing against the guy. in fact, i kind of like him. in interviews, he seems cordial, humble, and ready to give all the lame answers all nfl gm's want to hear ("i'll play whenever, wherever they need me to. it's an honor to even be drafted.") blah blah blah whatever, you would break a golf club over someone's head if they asked you to bulk up and be a tight end. but i digress.

let's look at his stats. increased production year to year, ending with an impressive 25 touchdown to 10 interception, almost 3,500 yard junior season at georgia. not bad, i can see, statistically, why everyone is all up in the kid's grille. but, as ryan leaf always told me, and trust me, we're pals, NEVER RELY ON STATS.

georgia was supposed to win the title last year. anyone remember that? they had most of the tools to do so. a pretty impressive defensive line, a good running game, and an experienced upper classman running the show. there was supposed to be red and black confetti raining down the southern united states. (speaking of georgia, a florida fan told me a great joke, but i'll get to that later.) by all means, i do believe that, despite all the SEC this and SEC that, i begrudgingly agree that it's the elite conference. 3 national titles in how many years? exactly.

anyway, look at the three losses that kept georgia out of contending for anything other than a shiny trophy they could hold with pride on the field, then stash quickly in the janitor's closet when they got back to athens because bowl games mean nothing. ok, ok, a 41-30 loss to 'bama. not bad. not embarassing at all, alabama was playing really tough in the beginning of the season. in fact, they were damn near unbeatable. nothing to hang your head about, one loss doesn't keep you out of the title chase anymore.

but here's where it gets nasty. a 39 point loss to florida at home. oof. no touchdowns, three picks, a 103.81 passer rating. you wonder why they lost so badly, you sit back and stare at the sportscenter highlights in disbelief. then you realize that up until that point, georgia had played no one other than alabama. they only beat vanderbilt by 10 (given, vandy actually went to a freaking bowl game that year.) they only beat south carolina by 7. two losses is two too many for a lot of bcs voters. then the heartbreaking loss to georgia tech to finish off the season that never was. what gives?

i just don't get that feeling about stafford that i did about matt ryan when i saw him heave that prayer against virginia tech, or any of the multitude of fantastic plays that guy made while still dressed up for boston college. matt ryan is something to get excited about. he has the intangibles, he seems like a great leader. he made the atlanta falcons respectable. and although it's not like ryan's stats were ridiculously better than stafford's, you could tell that he was going to be something. everyone could.

so detroit, pass up on the qb. take, maybe, say, a wide receiver? (bahahahaha.) but no seriously, maybe that dude from wake forest, curry, or jason smith from baylor. sometimes the ugly positions are the ones you need to monitor the closest. and like mcshay says, wisely, in that HILARIOUS argument up above, you can't make stafford a franchise quarterback when he isn't. he will be a decent qb, don't get me wrong. but he is not a #1 pick.

oh, and that georgia joke. why does the river near jacksonville flow north? because georgia sucks!
it was a lot funnier if you were there, i swear.

d-wade...the bulldozer (lol) vs. spanish jerseys

2009-03-11T22:34:00.002-05:00

by now, everyone in america has been hopping all over wade's stuff for that pretty much unbelievable almost half court, running 3 in 2 ot's to stuff the bulls in miami. all the while wearing a SWEET (not) "el heat" jersey. more on that later.
however you feel about flash, whether you have a problem with how he speaks about himself in third person, how he handles his injuries, one thing is undeniable; he now can find himself in the upper echelon of proven nba talent. there is no denying it.

in fact, right now i'm watching highlights of him tearing up the celts on his home court, the same court he hovered above last night, pumping his fists in unison with a racous miami crowd, screaming "this is my house." damn.
anyway, enjoy the rest of this dude's career, miami. unless you can pay him, and for some reason i have a hunch you won't, flash will be making a ridiculous amount of money in a different jersey. maybe somewhere nice...like...chicago? (i can hope.)

speaking of jerseys, what in the hell is going on with these spanish night promotions? i understand the intent, i really do, but there's something ridiculous about seeing that on a jersey that i just don't get. it makes me uncomfortable. kind of like seeing an nba franchise in freaking oklahoma.

...would someone please move the grizzlies/hornets/bobcats to seattle?